Tales from a Shopkeep: on being present

For me, April came in like a lamb . . . and went out like a lion. No, wait . . . it came in like a lion and stayed there the whole damn time. Let’s be real. (and yes, I know this is supposed to be in reference to March, but I’m off-course a whole lot here folks, so be patient with me.

April was rough. It was long. It was busy.

I operate, generally speaking, using a planner (in book form) on the daily. I spent the better half of December searching for JUST the right one start off my 2019, and I settled on one that has a bit more . . . let’s say, spiritual practice than I’m used to. I did this purposefully. It’s a Lunar Planner. And not only are the phases of the moon marked on quite literally each day, but also, at the beginning of each month the planner has you sit down to pull a card (or three, or four) to set your intention for the month ahead. In April, my life was so busy, I skipped right past it, and never looked back.

This month – the month of May – in which I am determined to be more present, more here, more mindful, and less effing busy – the first page of the month was like a mantra I need to recite to myself every damned day. ABUNDANCE.

“May is a perfect month to focus on abundance. The earth is exploding with life in the Northern hemisphere. . . . moving from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset is one of the hardest things us humans have to do.”

(this song right here really captures it so well too — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Su0UMXiIzPE)

And so today – this Monday – it’s my first ‘day off’ in awhile. And instead of sitting down and doing computer work (ok, let’s be real, you never get a day off when you run your own business and I did have to do some computer work and admin work) I pulled my cards for the month. And Man oh man. I just have to share — whether you believe in any of this or not. It’s just . . . well. Here.

The spread I pulled for this month was:

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What is growing | what the growth feels like | what containers must be built to serve this growth | where must the growth stay wild for the moment.

  • card one: X Wands “be present at peace, teach those still writhing
  • card two: X Swords “destruction can breed lost crops into seeds” “pain, affliction, tears. . . “
  • card three: XIV Temperence “harmony heals us as we speak through the vine, for now i’m all yours and you’re all mine” “economy, moderation, frugality . . . “
  • card four: III Wands “with stems in a string carry the spring” “the end of troubles, suspension, or cessation of adversity, toil, and disappointment”

I don’t know. Now it feels silly to share this all with you, in this way – but here I am anyway. It just felt, so poignant, as I was pulling them. What is growing: my ability to live in the moment, and stop being so busy and goal-oriented all the time – waiting for the next big thing, always planning . . .  What does it feel like? FUCKING painful and like burn-out (see last month’s blog post). What containers must be built? Patience. Where must the growth stay wild . . . well, I’ll just leave that there for the moment.

So today I’m learning to live in the moment. That’s VERY difficult for someone like me, who plans every next step (and the next 5). I’m learning to focus on the positive, and take a breath (or five).

This morning I went for a hike in the woods. It seems to happen every spring around this time – when I finally start to take some time for me – to breathe. I got lost in the woods. There were no trails, but I’m in the middle of a city, so . . . yeah. It was nice to breathe, if only for a moment.

All that to say this: thank you. Thank you for reading last month’s post about burn out and reaching out to me when you did. I know I’m not alone. Sometimes we have to burn out to bring back the fire inside in the first place, right? It’s all a process. It’s all a process.

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